HENCH! (Episode)

The pilot episode of HENCH! Shit gets crazy, fast. It stays crazy, too.

The Arseonists
No. 4 & No. 30, two henchmen of the group known as the Arseonists go to work by taking economy-class flight-pods up to General Offense's flying, rocket-powered dick-shaped dirigible. Our two henches missed briefing, and they quickly arm themselves, No. 4 takes the live ammo, on purpose. They find themselves in a battlefield, warring against Fidel Catstro. The battlefield looks to be in the middle of a desert-like wasteland, with a large, bunker-like tower across the trenches. The tower is surrounded by a moat, and time-leopards, mooks, and other assortments of mutated cats are blocking the path to it. At the top of the tower, they can see a silhouette of a man in what appears to be military garb, smoking a cigar with his hands behind his back.

They dive into the bunker, situating themselves, when a time-leopard teleports and jumps at No. 4, he dodges and it lands on a fellow Arseonist. No. 30 prompts and expertly punches the abdomen of the feline, killing it, and breaking the henchman's leg. No. 4 salutes the soldier before putting him out of his misery and shooting him in the neck. The two huff on over to the moat.

The moat has what looks to be trolley tracks on it, going into a garage door of the bunker-tower. The moat, instead of being filled with water or the more practical acid, is instead filled with large, carnivorous electric panthers and acid tigers. They scrap a bit down there, and good luck to whoever has to clean it. Instead holding hands and attempting to both walk across a track each, using each other to balance, the duo instead decide to attempt to jump the moat. Both of them do the exact same animation, and end up scraping their shins in the exact same way. Don't touch the scrape, it stings.

They find that they and some other henchmen have made it across, all with the exact same shin scrapes. Henchmen. It now looks like a clear path to the entrance, only about 20 yards through this path cut out of the desert fauna. No. 4 does not fall for this ruse, and thinking quickly, tells the other henchmen to "CHARGE!". He sees a bunch of smoke and what look like limbs and entrails fly everywhere. It was obviously a minefield.

No. 4 & No. 30 walk down the now-charred path in the minefield and make their way to the door. It's a big steel door with only a keypad next to it. Looks kinda old. No. 4 aimlessly pushes random buttons on the keypad, doing nothing, and nothing happens. No. 30 punches the keypad, and it breaks open. No. 4 then connects a wire or two, and the large steel door opens.

They are greeted by the sound of what appears to be the voice of Fidel Catstro, taunting them to make it through his TRAPPED ROOM. [I don't quite remember what happened in this room. I believe there were lasers, and I think No. 4 basically ignored them.] Our two henches make their way up the stairs, only to find a large metal door blocking the way. No. 4 tries to do something, anything, but it's locked too tight. No. 30, being a pair of fists on a body, punches the steel hard enough to make a dent large enough for No. 4 to slip through. No. 4 slips through, and tries to unlock the door from the outside. No. 30 punches again at the same time as he unlocks it, hitting No. 4 with a steel door and nearly launching him off the tower.

They begin making their way up the spiraling staircase, when No. 4 steps on a stair and it depresses, opening up holes in the side of the tower. They both know how traps work and dodge down, barely avoiding being hit with napalm. The henchmen (both sides) and some of the felines get hit with the napalm, instead. Knowing about the GODDAMN FLAMETHROWER-WALLS, the two make their way up the tower, and to the outside door, leading to the chamber with Fidel Catstro inside. No. 4 loads and cocks his rifle, and No. 30 cocks his fists. No. 4 begins pushing random-ass buttons again, and it works. He opens the door, and again sees the silhouette of Fidel Catstro, this time the backside. Catstro turns around, and No. 4 immediately shoots him in the fucking face.

That's when the lights turn on, and No. 4 looks out the window. Henchmen are going to lunch while the hologram fades away. Henchmen are walking out of the brush next to the minefield, and picking up the fake limbs. The training exercise ends, and General Offense comes in through the door in the back of the room, bitching about how No. 4 just killed his best actor-henchman. No. 4 is reprimanded, and No. 30 is praised for his composure during training.

Doc Hazzard
Cut to a nice sunny day. The birds are singing, the grass is clean, and the brown people are all looking up at the strange spider-like creature sitting motionlessly above them. The camera looks directly at the main entrance of the large, submarine/house combo. Energetic show tunes play as the camera slowly zooms into the front door for about a second, for this is the lovely home of Franken Hanzel Hazzard, Ph.D.

The scent of pizza rolls fills the air as the camera enters the sub. Coming into the room, it seems that Doc Hazzard is again tirelessly working -- like the hero to mankind that he is. The science-hardened hero wipes the sweat from his brow and now he's got blood there, too. But Doc Hazzard doesn't care, he's entranced, working harder than any human before or after his time, desperately trying to save his patient.

Minutes pass like hours, the cacophonous squelching and squeaking of gloves deep in flesh would be enough to unhinge any man, but not Doc Hazzard. Everything else is silent to him, and nobody even so much as farts.

* BONG!* is the sound that snaps him from his focus, even going so far as to startle our hero. A squirt of blood and a hiss of a vocal chord, and his patient is dead. Doc Hazzard has failed. There shall be no pizza rolls this day.

Episode Cast

 * Quinten as No. 4
 * John as No. 30
 * Garrett as Doc Hazzard
 * Eric as The Last Crusader